The Chili Masacre
by keeperofcoldtoes
Summary: Iroh has the cook make the 'mysterious' foreign food called chili beans. Oh, the gasious horrors that await Prince Zuko and the crew! Will they survive? Will the toilets survive? Chapter 2 is up and has deleted scenes!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. If I did, then I wouldn't be writing this, now would I?

oOoOoOo

Finally. Zuko had finally captured the avatar. The act of capturing the avatar was one of pure luck, but nonetheless it was a great acomplishment. As joyous as Zuko was, he couldn't let his guard down. After all Zhoa was also looking for the avatar and would eventually catch wind that Zuko had obtained Aang. Of course Zuko wanted to get to the Fire Nation as soon as possible for obvious reasons, but their ship was low on fuel and they were in desperate need of supplies.

So Zuko and his crew docked their ship near a large town called, Ishunzu. Normally, when getting supplies, more then three- fourths of the crew would head out to town to get the much needed cargo while the rest stayed aboard to keep watch. However, this time, the Avatar and his friends were on board and Zuko wasn't going to take any chances. The prince wanted only a select few to get the supplies, but his uncle talked him out of it, saying that not only was it too much work for only a few people, but also that most of the crew needed to get their "land feet". In this event, Zuko agreed that half the crew would stay and the other half would go, and he also accidentally agreed to his uncle that he would go as well. And now that we are brought up- to- date, this is were the story begins.

"Can you hurry Uncle?" Zuko asked as he and his uncle were browsing through a spice shop.

"I'm afraid that you can't hurry an old man Prince Zuko," Iroh stated as he looked at the different varities of spices.

"I have a bad feeling," Zuko said, ignoring his uncle's statment.

"Stop being so pesimistic," Zuko's uncle said, "If you do not loosen up every now and then, then your hair will turn white." Zuko raised an eyebrow at this comment.

"If that is true, then how come you have white hair and you're usually never worried?" Zuko questioned his uncle. Now it was Iroh's turn to ignore Zuko.

"I wonder if they have any recipe books here," Iroh pondered and walked over to the store clerk. Zuko sighed and leaned against a wall.

"How may I help you?" the clerk asked with a wide smile.

"Do you have any recipe books?" Iroh asked the smiling clerk.

"Why yes!" the clerk said gleefully and pulled out three books from a neaby cabnet and laid them on the counter.

"Uncle, could you go any slower?" Zuko asked while scratching his left hand.

Iroh looked over the selection of books, two of them he already had, so he looked at the third one that was titled, "Easy Made Foreign Delicacies(sp?).

"This looks interesting," Iroh flipped a few pages of the book before deciding to buy it. While purchasing the said item he also bought a red yo-yo.

Iroh and Zuko walked out of the building. "Let's hurry Uncle, we've wasted alot of time already," Zuko told his uncle.

"Are you kidding?" Iroh asked in disbelief, "I just got a great bargain on a cook book and a yo-yo. Speaking of which I got this for you," the retired general stated and placed the yo-yo in Zuko's hand.

"Why would I want a yo-yo? Seriously, of all things!" Zuko fumed as he clutched the yo-yo, "Maybe a pair of swords or even a new set of armor, but a yo-yo! It's useless!"

Iroh huffed, "Hmph! If that's how you feel, then fine. See if I get you a gift ever again," Iroh then walked back to the ship on his own.

Zuko's face turned red and smoke began to come out of his nose. Passerby's began to stare at the bizarre event. Zuko tossed th-... no..., threw the yo-yo to the ground and ran after his uncle. After only a few seconds of running did he stop and turn around to retrieve the object, even if he did think it was stupid.

oOoOoOo

"Uncle?" Zuko walked up to Iroh. They were currently on ship, they had departed about three hours ago and Zuko wanted to know something from his uncle.

"Yes, Nephew?" Iroh and Zuko were in the ship's kitchens and Iroh was, at the moment, flipping through his new cook book.

Zuko sighed, "Honestly, why did you get me that toy? Was it some sort of joke?" the prince questioned his uncle.

"Well," Iroh began, "I noticed that when you get nervous or frustrated you tend to fiddle around with your hands. So I bought you that yo-yo because it seemed like a much better substitute and a less obvious one"

Zuko's eyes widened in surprise, "Is it that noticable?"

"Only to me and some of the crew members," Iroh stated while Zuko's face flushed red.

It was true, Zuko did fiddle around with his hands when he was nervous. He merely didn't know what to do with them on those occasions. Maybe this yo-yo thing, although it would be strange seeing Prince Zuko with it, wouldn't be such a bad idea, Zuko thought to himself. One problem though, he didn't know how to use a yo-yo. The Prince quickly dismissed this thought, believing that he could accomplish anything.

"This looks like an interesting recipe," Iroh said and looked over the book, "I'll ask the cook if he can prepare this for us tonight." 

"What is it?" Zuko asked curiously, well actually cautiously. Last time his uncle requested the cook to make something the entire crew came down with food poisoning. "It better not have any chicken in it or I'll make sure that the cook never takes requests from you again." Zuko's uncle didn't seem to be phased by this statement, so Zuko revised it, "No, that wouldn't do, I'll make sure that he never prepares tea for you again"

Iroh dropped his recipe book in shock, "You are an evil boy Prince Zuko!" he growled, but then calmed himself and looked at Zuko defiantly, "And for your information, it is just a simple soup call 'Chili Beans', made from pinto beans and some meat"

"What kind of meat?" Zuko asked, he had to make sure it wasn't chicken, "It better not be chicken."

"Are you referring to that incident three months ago? Well, it wasn't that big of a deal, the crew just got a little sick"

"Uncle, the entire crew couldn't stop vomiting on floors and I couldn't get out of the bathroom!" Zuko exclaimed loudly, a crew member who was walking by the room at the time stared at Zuko for a good measure. Iroh started chuckling in rememberance of the accident. "Anyway, I need to give this recipe to the chef before he starts to make dinner without it," Iroh stated and began to walk away.

"Well, I need to go check on my prisoners at the moment. I'll meet up with you at dinner time," Zuko informed his uncle and walked off as well.

oOoOoOo

As Zuko walked down the ship's hallways he pulled out the yo-yo from his pant's pocket. Zuko knew that the avatar and his friends were still locked up, so he decided to take his time. Besides, he wasn't in the mood to argue with the avatar and his band of miscreants.

Zuko placed the yo-yo's string around his middle finger on his right hand as he walked. He rolled the yo-yo up tightly and held onto it. He then let go of the yo-yo. Zuko wasn't stupid, he knew that you had to flick your hand up at a certain time while the yo-yo was going down, so he tried this. Obviously, he flicked to late and to softly, so the yo-yo dropped to the ground. "Stupid yo-yo...," Zuko muttered to himself and wrapped the string around the red object again. He held it in his hand and let it go, he used to much force in the flicking and didn't let the yo-yo fall far enough, so it ended up hitting him in the nose. Prince Zuko growled in frustration as he rubbed his nose, he was determined to get this right! Even if, in the end, he broke his nose trying.

When Prince Zuko finally got at least three successful yo-yo attempts (and a very sore nose), he made his way to the prisoner's chamber and walked through the iron door.

Inside, he saw everything as it should be. The peasants were in their own cell, talking to one another, and the avatar was inside another cell. Aang was chained to the wall and there was duck tape over his mouth, completely helpless. Zuko smirked at Aang's misfortune. The prisoner's weren't mistreated, aside from being called insulting names. Zuko didn't believe in torture. He found it sickening. Why go through the trouble of torturing someone when it was bad enough being stuck in a enclosed space without fresh air and sunlight?

"What do you want?" Sokka sneered when he noticed Zuko at the doorway.  
"I was just wanting to see how my prisoner's were coping," Prince Zuko said while Aang squirmed in his bindings, "It's no use avatar, those bonds are the strongest there is"

"Why are you such a jerk?" the peasant girl, Katara asked.

"Because I can be. I trust that the accomodations are to your likeing?" Zuko asked mockingly.

"Oh yeah," Sokka began sarcasticly, "The straw beds and the cold tiled floor are really nice, very decorative too. Hey, while we're here, do we get room service because I'm starving"  
The three prisoner's stomaches growled in usion.

Zuko raised an eyebrow, "Well, you'll be pleased to know that I have orded my chef to prepare you a very rare type of food," the firebender said with a playful smirk.

Sokka perked up at this comment, "Really? What is it?" Sokka asked excitingly.

"Well, we are low on meat," Zuko lied, "So I told the chef to cook your pet lemur," this was also untrue because the lemur thing escaped before Zuko and his men could capture it.

Sokka and Katara gasped in shock while Aang was yelling incoherently beneath the duck tape.

Zuko smiled at their reactions before saying, "No, I lied," Zuko gave them a moment to let it sink in, "I ate the lemur. You three, however, will be eating your beloved bison. And might I add that the lemur was very tender and juicy," Zuko lied yet again and left the room with their troubled minds. The bison was on the lowest floor of the ship and Zuko planned on selling it later on. As for the food that was to be served to the prisoners, they were to eat gruel.

Katara turned her head to Aang slowly and asked, "You don't think that he'll make us eat Appa, do you?"

Katara and Aang's eyes began to water at the thought while Sokka had a sad look on his eyes. He might not have liked it that much at first, but the furry thing had grown on him. Oblivious to Zuko's cruel joke, they weeped sorrowfully in their cells.

oOoOoOo

Dinner had finally rolled around and the crew was very hungry, especially with that lovely smell that drifted through the halls. Even Prince Zuko found himself with a loudly growling stomache.

Zuko walked over to his uncle in the dining area, who was getting himself another bowl of beans. "How is it Uncle?" Zuko asked his uncle Iroh.

"It is delicious! You must try it!" Iroh said and handed Prince Zuko a bowl, "All the other crew members agree that this is among the best meals that they have ever ate!"

Zuko sat down at a nearby table with his uncle and began to eat the foreign food, he found that it was, although quite spicey, very good.

"So, how is the avatar and his friends coming along?" Iroh questioned his nephew before he took another bite of the chili.

"They're very tempramental," Zuko said quickly and continued to eat.

Iroh raised an eyebrow, "What did you tell them Zuko"

Zuko shrugged and swollowed his spoonful, "I just said that they would have to eat their stupid bison." Iroh sighed at the comment.

"Is it just me Uncle, or is this soup getting hotter with each spoonful? I thought that hot food was supposed to cool down, not get any hotter," Prince Zuko asked his uncle in wonder.

"It's the Red Pepper," Iroh said, "It's supposed to do that," he said and continued to eat.

oOoOoOo

Although the men clearly enjoyed the meal and ate as much as they could there was still plenty to go around. The cook, deciding that the food was a success, placed it in the icebox, for later.

"It has been an hour since we ate Uncle and there have been no signs of food poisoning as of yet," Prince Zuko said as he walked to his quarters with his uncle.

"Just admit that for once, your suspicions have failed you," Uncle Iroh said while flipping through the pages of the cookbook.

"However," the prince said, "I will not put my guard down," Zuko said and pulled out his yo-yo. He began to play with the yo-yo, he found that he was steadily getting better.

"I see that you have taken a liking to the yo-yo," Iroh declared and flipped another page from the blue book.

"Hmph," was all that Zuko had for a reply before entering his room.

While within his room, he found it an excellent time to meditate so he sat onto his nearby mat and began to relax.

He had only been in meditation for thirty minutes when he felt this tight feeling in his stomache. Prince Zuko released himself from meditation and stood up. He suddenly felt a horrible stabbing pain in his belly. 

Prince Zuko groaned and folded his arms across his stomache as he sat atop his bed. He wasn't feeling so great right now. Zuko figured that the meal he was given was giving him gas. 

"Curse you Uncle," he said as he began to sweat uncontrolably. This must be a really bad case of gas, Prince Zuko thought to himself.

As if on que a loud whining noise had sounded. Zuko was shocked to find out that it was coming from himself. He frowned in disguist. His stomache then steadily began to ache even more. 'Oh Kami, what did I do to deserve this?' Prince Zuko thought to himself.

Feeling that he was safe from any interruptions he let one loose. However, he soon realized what a mistake this was when his butt started burning and the bed caught fire.

Quick to react, Zuko grabbed a nearby pitcher of water and tossed it on the flames. 

Calming himself from the event, although still in pain, he noticed that he was feeling a slight draft from behind him. Zuko turned to around to see that there was a large hole in his pants and underwear, clearly showing that there was a full moon out that night.

Before Prince Zuko could investigate further, three loud and rushed knocks were heard from his door. The fire prince quickly grabbed a large book and held it behind him, so that he could be sure that no one would see the his moon. Zuko opened the door to see one of his guards doubled over in pain.

"S-sir, there's something terribly wrong with me and the crew," the guard stuttered and loud 'Pttttt!' sound could be heard as flames errupted from behind him.

Zuko could feel his eye twitch in disgust, "It's from my uncle's soup. Tell the others to drink plenty of water and not to burn the ship down," Zuko ordered his guard and walked back inside of his room to change pants.

oOoOoOo

Prince Zuko walked quickly throughout the ship, searching for his uncle. Throughout the ship you could hear random people moaning in pain and you could smell something similar to burt, rotten eggs.

Zuko went to his Uncle's room's door and pounded on it. When no answer came the prince let himself in. His uncle wasn't in the room, but you could hear loud farting noises from his uncle's bathroom.

Prince Zuko knocked on the bathroom door, "Uncle! Your stupid soup has poisoned the entire crew!" Zuko yelled.

His uncle's voice could be heard, "They're not poisoned, it's just a bad case of gas. Obviously the cook put to much chili power and red peppers in the soup. By the way, have you ever farted so hard that you about cried?(1)" Iroh asked his nephew. 

Zuko growled in frustration and walked off so that he could secure his place at his own private bathroom. If anyone had been walking behind the prince, then they could see a very large hole in his pants and a very cute- (i'm not saying anything else!).

And if anyone had been inside Iroh's bathroom at this time, you would see the retired general sitting on the toilet, reading a newspaper that had flames covering the top of the paper. You would also see that the toilet had very dark scorch marks covering it.

oOoOoOo

The time period in which the crew was 'poisoned', was about four hours. Many things happened during this time. Many of the crew members had jumped off the ship, seeking refuge in the waters below, hoping that it may cool their sensitive bottoms. The ship was covered in many scorch marks, particulary the bathrooms. When only two hours of the horrid gas had taken place, Prince Zuko found that he could play with a yo-yo quite easily without any failed attempts. Also, Aang and his friends were able to escape because of their pet lemur, they found that it was easy to navigate through the ship when the crew was in too much pain to recapture them. By the time the period had ended, everyone learned two powerful lessons: (1) Never let Iroh request any type of food from the cook and (2) Never stand behind someone who is bending over. When the day had ended the crew named that day to be called 'The Chili Masacre' and Prince Zuko burnt his uncle's cook book to ashes.

At the present time, Aang and his friends were riding on Appa, who they discovered at the lowest level of the ship.

"I'm glad that Zuko was only bluffing when he said that we were going to eat Appa," Aang said happily as he steered the said animal.  
"Yeah," said Sokka lazily, "Hey, while we were on the ship looking for Appa, I found some food!" Sokka said excitingly and the others perked up.  
"That's great Sokka," Katara said, "I'm starving"

FIN

oOoOoOo

what didja think? oh, and i'm not sure if they have toilets out there, so lets just pretend that they do okay? and i'll just let your minds wander on what happens when a water bender eats beans. sorry for bad grammar, spelling, and any accidental holes in the story. if it bugs you to much then tell me and i'll repost it. also, i'm thinking of adding another chapter of scenes that i left out in the story. i might even add bloopers for the heck of it, but i must ask for your opinion first. 


	2. Deleted Scenes and Bloopers

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. If I did, I would force him to tell me everything he knew about Prince Zuko.

Hey! What's up! I decided to make another chapter to the story. Well, not necessarily a chapter, it's really just has some scenes that I was going to put into the story but decided against it for obvious or not-so-obvious reasons.

This is a scene that I didn't put in the fic because it seemed a little to cruel to Zuko and it was quite disgusting. Anyways, this is what happens when a prince searches for his beloved yo-yo.

oOoOoOo

What was Zuko to do?

He was in unmerciful pain. Pain that no one should endure (well, except for Admiral Zhoa). His crew were useless and very smelly. And he misplaced his yo-yo. 

True, the yo-yo did not have any skills of any kind, least of all it didn't have a mind, but it had a calming effect on the banished prince. And a calming affect is exactly what Zuko was in need of.

Zuko walked down to his chambers, in search of the yo-yo, but to no avail. Frustrated (and feeling a fart coming on) he ran out of his quarters and searched throughout the halls of his ship, hoping that if he were to retrace his steps, he'd find the muchly needed object.

Ten minutes and three farts later, he found his yo-yo. However, the yo-yo was not in an easy reachable location. The yo-yo itself was against the wall to the left. To the right wall, was a crewman bending over in obvious pain, his buttocks had targeted the unfortunate yo-yo. 

Knowing that nothing good could come out of this situation Zuko commanded the crewman to move, but the crewman's excuse was, "I-I'm in to much pain, s-sir," he had managed to stutter out and remained in his position.

Knowing that the situation was like a time bomb, Zuko quickly weighed the options over in his mind. The crewman was obviously in to much pain to move on his own and could not be relied on for such a task. Zuko couldn't risk reaching for the yo-yo, he could get burned in the process. He couldn't move the crewman or else risk setting the said man off and burning his yo-yo to ashes. If Prince Zuko didn't do something soon, the yo-yo would be but a memory.

Finally, Zuko made the rash decision of reaching for the yo-yo. He crouched down. He reached for the yo-yo. He wrapped his hand around the object. When he was about to flee with the yo-yo, the timer went off and the crewman let one loose right in Zuko's face!

Zuko fell to the floor coughing in pain and disgust. While the crewman stood up, feeling much better than before.

"I'm so sorry Prince Zuko!" the crewman apologized to the fallen prince.

The crewmember was but an amature at firebending, so Zuko was left with a soot covered, stinky face.

"Get away from me!" Zuko growled before he stood up. He wiped his face on his sleeve while having a coughing fit.

Zuko may have been embarassed at that moment, but at least he had his yo-yo.

oOoOoOo

I didn't place this scene in the fic because it seemed kinda pointless and disgusting. And it has Admiral Zhao in it. I really hate Zhao, I'm glad that he died in the show.

oOoOoOo

(On Admiral Zhao's ship)

There had been rumors that Prince Zuko had the avatar onboard his ship. Rumors like these were hard to miss by Admiral Zhao.

Just four days ago, Zhao had decided to rendezvous with Prince Zuko's ship. The ship was already in view and the two ships would meet in about two minutes. Zhao smirked at his own 'ingenious' self while he sat in his quarters.

The plan was to get onboard, slap some people around, question Prince Zuko of the were abouts of the avatar, slap Zuko around, ask embarassing questions, slap some people around, look on the ship with Zuko's permission or not, slap some people around, and Admiral Zhao wasn't to sure as what to do after that point. Probably embarass Zuko and get the avatar. The one thing that Zhao was sure of at the moment, was that he really wanted to slap some people around (preferably Zuko himself).

"Admiral, we pulled up beside Prince Zuko's ship," a soldier stated at the door.

"Very good," Zhao grinned wickedly.

"Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but something seems very wrong with Prince Zuko's crew," the soldier stated.

Zhao's grin faultered, "What do you mean?"

"Come and see for yourself, sir," the soldier replied. 

The two walked to the deck, only to see a rare sight.

The crewmembers onboard Prince Zuko's ship were moaning in pain and you could clearly see fire or smoke coming out of the ends of their buttocks. You could also see that there was brown sludge and scorch marks covering some parts of the ship. There was also, some crewmen floating in the sea below. All in all, it was a strange sight indeed.

Admiral Zhao looked on in disgust. Pointing to one of his own men he said, "You! Go down there and ask what is wrong!" Zhao ordered.

The soldier bowed obeyingly and went onboard Zuko's ship to investigate the problem. The soldier talked to a crew member for a few minutes before coming onboard.

"Report!" Admiral Zhao commanded the soldier.

The soldier waited a moment before replying, "Apparently, sir, the entire crew is like this. From what the man told me, it sounds like a disease. He repeatedly told me to beware of the Chili. I asked him about the avatar, but he ignored the question."

"Hmm," Zhao thought over the information before coming to a conclusion, "I think it would be best to let the ship and it's crew be. For all we know this disease may be contagious and we wouldn't want to risk contamination. Speaking of which...," Admiral Zhao caught the soldier on fire and pushed him off the edge of the ship with his boot.

The man screamed in pain as he fell into the ocean below.

"What about the avatar, sir?" a soldier beside Zhao questioned.

"It is obvious that the avatar couldn't possibly be on board this terrible excuse for a ship," Admiral Zhao paused for a moment, "If he was, he would have caught the disease and be dead."

"I understand sir," said the soldier as Admiral Zhao and his crew floated away from Zuko's ship.

As they floated off, Admiral Zhao thought to himself, 'I guess I'll have to slap some people around later...'

oOoOoOo

These are just some bloopers I stuck in. Forgive me if they don't make you laugh.

oOoOoOo

(Scene 1, take 13)

ACTION!

"I'm afraid that you can't hurry an old man Prince Zuko," Iroh stated as he looked at the different varities of spices.

"I have a bad feeling," Zuko said, ignoring his uncle's statment.

"You just have gas," Iroh said, "Get over it..."

Zuko snickered while Iroh cracked a grin.

"That wasn't the line Uncle," Zuko said, "And I don't have gas."

"Well, it's my line and you have plenty of hot air in that skull of yours," Iroh chuckled.

CUT!

(Scene 4, take 6)

ACTION!

"They're very tempremental," Zuko said quickly and continued to eat.

Iroh raised an eyebrow, "What did you tell them Zuko?"

Zuko shrugged and swolled his spoonful, "I just said that Katara's butt was big and that the avatar smelt like a pile of manure," Zuko said while cracking a smile.

"Oh really?" Iroh played along, "And what did you say to the water tribe boy?"

"I told him that he should get a real girlfriend instead of making out with those hotdogs."

Iroh and Zuko began laughing while Sokka angrily walked up on the set.

"That was only one time!" Sokka wailed in Zuko's ear.

"It only takes one time to condem a man for life," Iroh added while Zuko only laughed harder.

Katara also walks up on the set, "So you think my butt is big huh?" She asked with a menacing voice. Everyone around the set stopped laughing.

"Well, at least I 'KNOW' that you put laxitives in your uncle's coffee!" Katara said with triumph while Iroh glared at Zuko.

"She's lying Uncle!" Zuko said desperatly while Iroh chased Zuko around the set.

CUT!

(Deleted Scene 2, take 3)

ACTION!

"Report!" Admiral Zhoa commanded the soldier.

The soldier waited a moment before replying, "Well sir, the crew down below says that they had sake and pickled eggs a few hours ago and they're just having the side effects from it."

"Hmm," Zhoa thought over the information before coming to a conclusion, "We should do the same."

"Do what, sir?" the soldier questioned.

"Men, get out the eggs and sake!"

CUT!

oOoOoOo

what do ya think? i was going to put on interviews with the cast but I decided against it. don't expect any more chapters or sequels. also, if any one is a true fan of Prince Zuko, then they would read the fanfics made by Hotspur. she must be the best author and poet in the entire Avatar section (no offense to you other guys). YOU ROCK HOTSPUR! i wish i had her autograph, if she was to write any books in the future, i'd like to know what they might be about and what name they would fall under. also, sorry if there are any grammar or spelling errors, i use simpletext for my documents, so i can't press a button that will correct everything.

DEADLYDOODLEBUG (a.k.a.: Tsurashi): umm, okay.. so, who is Bubbles again? 


End file.
